Reality of Masking 072924

I had a friend introduce me to a new group of people,  "Jill loves and accepts everyone except labels."

This statement has been rattling around in me head since.  And honestly I think that explains my journey more than anything.  I spent a majority of my life labeling my self and situations with the goal of being accepted.  Masking was my survival mode.  I took whatever I believed that label to be and killed myself to be the best at it or at least what I thought others wanted me to do while sacrificing myself and my well being.

And I never really fit in anywhere or truly accepted by very few.

My mask would fall and I'd lose respect from my friends, family,  jobs, and from myself. 

This magical standard in my head that if I just did X then they would like me.

The realism that it is impossible to hold myself to those standards and accepting in life that there is no right decision has been the most freeing point in my life.

Looking at my life and an outside would assume I'm miserable but I am more free than I've ever been.

Just being Jill is okay. 

Different Processing System 06272024

 

I had a long conversation this morning about my brain and how it works differently.   It was a compliment not a criticism.  It really helps balance my team and helps us be successful. In some areas it is amazing, In personal relationships and feelings, it is not.

Math is one area I have always thrived in.  The rules stay the same.  They are logically and even if you do something a different way you can get the same result. 

I am also very detailed oriented.  I have to have a process set up and all the details worked out in my brain before I can even focus on the big picture.   This can be very annoying to some.

Luckily my brain works very fast on figuring out the steps to things.  The problems come in when I there isn’t a concrete solution or I can’t explain my steps to someone else.

I have spent my whole life this way.  And I treated all my relationships this way.  It does not work for most people.  For example, I worked very hard to be the best mom  so there were certain steps in my brain that made me a good mother.  I kept them in the same school.  I let them do whatever activities or sports they wanted to do.  I coached teams. I volunteered.  We did fun activities.  

Lately as my children have gotten older, they felt like they didn’t matter.  In my logic, every decision I made from where we lived to where I worked was made off the premise of what was the best decision for my children.   I did not do a good job of explaining it.  I didn’t allow break time so in their minds I didn’t care about them.  It is the farthest from the truth but their reality.

While dad could take them fishing or fix the breaks when they wanted, I had to make sure homework was done and they were growing to adults.  That down fun time was limited.

I’ve also realized that many of the times there was no right decision.   Accepting that neurotypical people can have different ideas of perfect is baffling to me.  Having 6 kids I was trying to make happy, also left me feeling like a failure.

I am still working on it and allowing their feelings to be valid even when they are not supported by facts.

Memories is another area that drives me crazy.  My brain is pretty photo memory.  I keep text messages and emails.  I document everything to a fault.  So I really struggle when someone claims a memory I know to be false.  I’ve had to teach myself to just let it go.  I logically know memory is a construct and trauma based.  But for me it isn’t.  Life is exactly what happened.

I’m constantly having to adjust and see others point of views.  While not feeling like anyone else does the same for me.

But I’m trying.

Wardrobe Change

I cannot count the number of times I've had to do a wardrobe change mid day or mid evening.  

We got a dress code memo last night so I wore something socially acceptable.  I didn't make it one happy hour drink in before I'm running to the store to by something new.

Almost always a good choice.

Product Review: Flatsocks

Rarely do I find a product I can tolerate, let alone enjoy.   As someone on the spectrum with fibromyalgia, my skin is a major sensory issue for me.  If I could tolerate it, I would be barefoot all the time.   Socks are horrible for me.   The seam sits in the wrong spot,  They get twisted or they simply aren't very soft after a few washings.   Smell and temperature  is also a sensory thing so for me it is typically a hard decision between options for foot wear.

I typically cannot wait for spring and summer so I can throw away the socks for a season.  The older I get, the more comfortable my shoes have to be due to constant pain.  By the end of season, I have worn out a couple pairs of nice, comfortable sandals simply from wearing them barefoot.  Because I now have to go comfortable, that can be a hundred or so a pop.

Earlier this year, I saw an ad for Flatsocks somewhere.   Yes they seem expensive but I figured I would give them a try.  I must say it has been night and day.   Very absorbent and easy to wash.  I've washed about 8 times and there has only been minor color change.

I actually ended up buying to more pairs.  I cannot feel them at all other than they feel like a normal tennis shoes.

I do not receive any promotional funding or incentives for this review.   Nor do I receive any income from purchases.  However, I always want to share things I find that work especially for someone with sensory issues.  You can also find them on amazon.

Shop All – FLAT SOCKS

Spectrumy

Tell me your spectrum traits. 

I have 13 different blogs going because they are each on different topics and I can't wrap my brain around combining them. 

I have 5-7 various types of crafts going at one time and I usually only finish about 25%. It's the only way I know how to stem and chill my brain in a socially acceptable way. 

I eat out at only about 3 places and always sit in the same spot and same server of possible. They usually know my food and drink order before I even sit down. Apparently this is odd. Who knew. 

I label people in my head door my protection. Acquaintance friend,  family, coworkers, stranger, etc.  I have a different personality and even wardrobe based on their title and mine. Currently have zero in the friend category due to a majestic fall or that occurred 3 years ago and I'm kind of okay with it. 

Relationship Dumpster Fire

 

Relationships as a woman on the spectrum has always been a war zone.  I desire the meaningful connections that everyone else does but have no clue how to achieve them.   For a long time, I defined sex as love and forever.  That has caused me more pain than you can imagine.  It took me 20 years to realize the difference and I still struggle.

I also have the tendency to be too trusting and forgiving.   I assume everyone has good intentions but as we have all seen in the dating nightmare that is the farthest thing from the truth.

In my 20s, I had this dream of recreating the childhood I had so I would forgive anything to be able to achieve it.   I got pregnant with my oldest son at 17.  For me it was a life changer.  I immediately went from young, rebellious, youth to what I defined as motherhood.   My boyfriend at the time dumped me of course.  Even when I begged him to take me back, he refused. I felt broken and ashamed.  I thought no one would ever want to be with me. 

In order to compensate, I “fell in love” with the first man that even showed an interest.  It didn’t matter if we had nothing in common.  He “loved” me so that’s all that mattered.   I instantly jumped into a relationship.  There were red flags of course but I ignored them.  I thought we would be together forever so I went all in.  We got married.  Had 2 more children in 3 years.  (Yes I had 3 children under 3 before I was 21.)  I worked my tail off.  We bought a house at 21.  Had the 2 car payments, and I thought my dream was coming true.   But wanting something to be true did not make it true. 

We struggled the entire time.  He still wanted to be a 20yr old hanging out with friends.  I was in 100% mom zone.  Everything and anything I did was focused on my children.  He’d disappear or not come home and I’d forgive him because creating that family was most important.  It literally took being thrown a shake in my face to see the reality.  He was still the same person he was when we got together, multiple girlfriends and no responsibility.  I tried a few more times, but it got to be the point I could no longer handle so I got out.

This pattern would continue.  Red flags glaring and I would stay in trying to make the dream come true.  I would give my all while the other person barely cared.  While I’ve given up on the dream, those urges are still there and I struggle to this day.

Sure this could be the story of any woman’s life even if they were not on the spectrum but I have found I attach those actions and feelings much stronger than neurotypicals.  If I just made the right choice or worked harder, someone would love me.  I blamed myself for every failure.  The reality didn’t matter because in my head even their bad actions were caused by me.   I wasn’t good enough to deserve love and faithfulness.

This is something I really have been working on.  But those communication barriers still make the dumpster fires happen.  I ask questions to understand, the other person takes it as accusations or blaming.  I give 100% and get frustrated when the other person doesn’t do the same.   I didn’t value you myself unless I was in that committed relationship.

Now I am okay with just being Jill

Late to the Game

 

As an 80s baby, Autism was barely discussed and definitely never was related to girls.   It lead to many of my generation getting a late diagnosis.  I personally was in my mid 30s before it was even considered that I may be on the autism spectrum let alone diagnosed.   Once I got my diagnosis, it was a huge relief however in many ways  I am glad I was not diagnosed younger.

I was always the weird kid.  My mom used to love to tell about my prep work for getting ready to attend school.  I was reading sentences at a very young age.  Honestly I had to be around 2-3.   I was so excited when I found out I was attending school.  My mom always used the term “Nursery School” instead of Preschool.  So what did her early reading child do? Practice and memorize a majority of Mother Gooses Nursey Rhymes for the entire summer before school started.   I was going to be ready to say them all on day one from memory.  It was always laughed about as one of my quirky tendencies.

Before school started, we did the traditional school clothes shopping.  We were pretty limited on resources. My mom got me a brown dress with buttons and white flowers on the collar.  I’m sure she meant it for me to use for school picture day and first day of school.  But I defined my school dress as my school dress.  I’m pretty sure I wore it 90% of the days that first year and I had severe anxiety when it was not clean, even refusing to go.  I now know those were meltdowns.

I was always the kid with my hand held high in the air on any question the teacher had.  I remember in detail the first time I gave a wrong answer.   It set me spinning for the rest of the day and probably week.  The teacher asked what color light do we cross the street on.  I raised my hand high and said “red because it means stop.”  My little brain could not comprehend that it did not mean stop for all directions.  Stop means stop so every car should stop right? 

I’m sure I have a hundred more examples of how my spectrum brain worked.  I honesty had no clue that anyone else’s brain worked differently.

I grew up in a family that my brain function was so different than everyone else’s that it really made me struggle. I learn to mask at a very young age.  My mother and older sister were always the life of the party.  They had a million friends and made new ones everywhere they went.  I was lucky if I had 1 or 2 friends.  They could spend hours on the phone.  I had high anxiety and still do if I have to make a phone call.  I could barely understand emotions in person.  You put someone on the phone and I was completely lost.

Emotions are another thing.   I hate when individuals on the spectrum are characterized as being emotionless robots.  I am the farthest from that.  I have emotions, big emotions.  Sometimes it seems like I feel them much harder and internalize them more than other people.  Teasing I hated because I took whatever those words were very literally.  I’ve learned over the years to dampen it down but to this day things that hurt and bother me, are not the same as other people.   And I hurt other people by stating what in my mind is just facts while others take it as offensive and rude.  I still at times want to scream just say what you mean.

Now I know masking is now seen as a negative in some components of the autism community but for me it was a requirement and how I was able to survive and thrive.   It wasn’t something that was forced on me or even encouraged.  It was my way of navigating this world I did not understand.  I had to figure out on my own how to be ‘normal’.  I still fail at it regularly.  I sometimes wonder if I would have mastered the skill of masking so well if I was diagnosed younger.  Blending into any crowd has been by gift and failure.

Being a female, my collecting traits seemed to be more socially acceptable.  Having 15 dolls was completely normal.  Collecting books and rereading them over and over again was normal.  Now when memorizing the star chart and able to label them all in the sky, was not as ‘normal’.  My interests would ebb and flow but whatever my focus was, it dominated every aspect of my life.  During my basketball phase, I lived and breathed stats for pros and college players.  I always picked the weird one as my favorite.

My grades were amazing.  My social skills were horrible.  I came home every single day completely wiped out and emotional about something that should not have been a big deal.  I did not understand why I didn’t get invited places or why someone was mad at me.  I was miserable in a majority of interactions that were not education related.   I was blessed to be able to do sports. That was something I could understand.  There were clear rules and guidelines to follow.  And I was lucky enough to be skilled enough to exceed in it.

So like I said I was in my mid 30’s and even in the field of disability services before it was ever mentioned to me that I might be on the spectrum from an amazing boss.  I had been diagnosed with Anxiety Attacks in my early 20s and PTSD from trauma.  But never was a different processing system even mentioned.

I can do forced eye contact under most circumstances.  I could smile and pretend just enough to get by.  I was still high achieving in my employment life as well.  I had romantic and friend relationships but none lasted long.  I held roles such as PTO President or Soccer Coach without any issues.

I would have record level achievements in my work life and then get called in for a reprimand over something like I didn’t say hi enough in the hallways.  I didn’t acknowledge the CEO when he walked into a room.  My tattoo showed when I was serving food for a room full of 200 people.  I was offered uniforms when no one else wore them because of one issue or another.  In my mind, they met the dress code so who cared.  I was passed over for promotions for others while doing their job and mine.  I had a hard glass ceiling due to my social skills only.  All of which was extremely frustrating for me.

It was another complaint that I was rude that left me in tears with a very compassionate manager.  I was explaining why I was upset and how I felt it was so unfair.  I just didn’t know how these people wanted me to talk to them or ask them to do something.  That’s when she mentioned if I had ever considered I was on the autism spectrum.   It was like a light bulb for me.

I had been providing Employment Services for individuals on the spectrum as well as other disabilities for over 5 years at this point.  It never even dawned on me that why I was amazing at my job is also why I was struggling professionally.  I could teach other all those stupid masking rules for certain circumstances because I had lived it my whole life.    I just did not see it in my own actions.

Put me in a room full of professionals talking about my passion and I thrived.  Put me in a hallway or breakroom, I crumbled and felt defeated.

Getting the diagnosis has helped me so much.  I still don’t always tell everyone but it helps me realize why the rules are so important to others.  It makes me keep candy in my office, so I am softened to others.   It forces me to say hi or at least let people know in advance that I may not see them and feel free to interrupt me.  I am more accepting of myself and my flaws.

Now my personal life is a whole other can of worms we will open in a later podcast.

I’m glad I now know why I’m different.  But I’m also glad I was forced by default to figure out ways on my own to navigate this crazy world. 

I do wonder at times how my life would have been different if I was diagnosed younger.  It sure would have been nice to realize I was not an alien but I wouldn’t for a second want to change who I am.  My challenges made me a better human.