Relationships
as a woman on the spectrum has always been a war zone. I desire the
meaningful connections that everyone else does but have no clue how to achieve
them. For a long time, I defined sex as
love and forever. That has caused me
more pain than you can imagine. It took me
20 years to realize the difference and I still struggle.
I also have
the tendency to be too trusting and forgiving.
I assume everyone has good intentions but as we have all seen in the
dating nightmare that is the farthest thing from the truth.
In my 20s, I
had this dream of recreating the childhood I had so I would forgive anything to
be able to achieve it. I got pregnant
with my oldest son at 17. For me it was
a life changer. I immediately went from
young, rebellious, youth to what I defined as motherhood. My boyfriend at the time dumped me of
course. Even when I begged him to take
me back, he refused. I felt broken and ashamed.
I thought no one would ever want to be with me.
In order to
compensate, I “fell in love” with the first man that even showed an interest. It didn’t matter if we had nothing in common. He “loved” me so that’s all that
mattered. I instantly jumped into a
relationship. There were red flags of
course but I ignored them. I thought we
would be together forever so I went all in.
We got married. Had 2 more
children in 3 years. (Yes I had 3
children under 3 before I was 21.) I
worked my tail off. We bought a house at
21. Had the 2 car payments, and I
thought my dream was coming true. But
wanting something to be true did not make it true.
We struggled
the entire time. He still wanted to be a
20yr old hanging out with friends. I was
in 100% mom zone. Everything and
anything I did was focused on my children.
He’d disappear or not come home and I’d forgive him because creating
that family was most important. It literally
took being thrown a shake in my face to see the reality. He was still the same person he was when we
got together, multiple girlfriends and no responsibility. I tried a few more times, but it got to be
the point I could no longer handle so I got out.
This pattern
would continue. Red flags glaring and I would
stay in trying to make the dream come true.
I would give my all while the other person barely cared. While I’ve given up on the dream, those urges
are still there and I struggle to this day.
Sure this
could be the story of any woman’s life even if they were not on the spectrum but
I have found I attach those actions and feelings much stronger than neurotypicals. If I just made the right choice or worked
harder, someone would love me. I blamed myself
for every failure. The reality didn’t
matter because in my head even their bad actions were caused by me. I wasn’t good enough to deserve love and faithfulness.
This is
something I really have been working on.
But those communication barriers still make the dumpster fires
happen. I ask questions to understand,
the other person takes it as accusations or blaming. I give 100% and get frustrated when the other
person doesn’t do the same. I didn’t
value you myself unless I was in that committed relationship.
Now I am okay
with just being Jill
