Different Processing System 06272024

 

I had a long conversation this morning about my brain and how it works differently.   It was a compliment not a criticism.  It really helps balance my team and helps us be successful. In some areas it is amazing, In personal relationships and feelings, it is not.

Math is one area I have always thrived in.  The rules stay the same.  They are logically and even if you do something a different way you can get the same result. 

I am also very detailed oriented.  I have to have a process set up and all the details worked out in my brain before I can even focus on the big picture.   This can be very annoying to some.

Luckily my brain works very fast on figuring out the steps to things.  The problems come in when I there isn’t a concrete solution or I can’t explain my steps to someone else.

I have spent my whole life this way.  And I treated all my relationships this way.  It does not work for most people.  For example, I worked very hard to be the best mom  so there were certain steps in my brain that made me a good mother.  I kept them in the same school.  I let them do whatever activities or sports they wanted to do.  I coached teams. I volunteered.  We did fun activities.  

Lately as my children have gotten older, they felt like they didn’t matter.  In my logic, every decision I made from where we lived to where I worked was made off the premise of what was the best decision for my children.   I did not do a good job of explaining it.  I didn’t allow break time so in their minds I didn’t care about them.  It is the farthest from the truth but their reality.

While dad could take them fishing or fix the breaks when they wanted, I had to make sure homework was done and they were growing to adults.  That down fun time was limited.

I’ve also realized that many of the times there was no right decision.   Accepting that neurotypical people can have different ideas of perfect is baffling to me.  Having 6 kids I was trying to make happy, also left me feeling like a failure.

I am still working on it and allowing their feelings to be valid even when they are not supported by facts.

Memories is another area that drives me crazy.  My brain is pretty photo memory.  I keep text messages and emails.  I document everything to a fault.  So I really struggle when someone claims a memory I know to be false.  I’ve had to teach myself to just let it go.  I logically know memory is a construct and trauma based.  But for me it isn’t.  Life is exactly what happened.

I’m constantly having to adjust and see others point of views.  While not feeling like anyone else does the same for me.

But I’m trying.

Relationship Dumpster Fire

 

Relationships as a woman on the spectrum has always been a war zone.  I desire the meaningful connections that everyone else does but have no clue how to achieve them.   For a long time, I defined sex as love and forever.  That has caused me more pain than you can imagine.  It took me 20 years to realize the difference and I still struggle.

I also have the tendency to be too trusting and forgiving.   I assume everyone has good intentions but as we have all seen in the dating nightmare that is the farthest thing from the truth.

In my 20s, I had this dream of recreating the childhood I had so I would forgive anything to be able to achieve it.   I got pregnant with my oldest son at 17.  For me it was a life changer.  I immediately went from young, rebellious, youth to what I defined as motherhood.   My boyfriend at the time dumped me of course.  Even when I begged him to take me back, he refused. I felt broken and ashamed.  I thought no one would ever want to be with me. 

In order to compensate, I “fell in love” with the first man that even showed an interest.  It didn’t matter if we had nothing in common.  He “loved” me so that’s all that mattered.   I instantly jumped into a relationship.  There were red flags of course but I ignored them.  I thought we would be together forever so I went all in.  We got married.  Had 2 more children in 3 years.  (Yes I had 3 children under 3 before I was 21.)  I worked my tail off.  We bought a house at 21.  Had the 2 car payments, and I thought my dream was coming true.   But wanting something to be true did not make it true. 

We struggled the entire time.  He still wanted to be a 20yr old hanging out with friends.  I was in 100% mom zone.  Everything and anything I did was focused on my children.  He’d disappear or not come home and I’d forgive him because creating that family was most important.  It literally took being thrown a shake in my face to see the reality.  He was still the same person he was when we got together, multiple girlfriends and no responsibility.  I tried a few more times, but it got to be the point I could no longer handle so I got out.

This pattern would continue.  Red flags glaring and I would stay in trying to make the dream come true.  I would give my all while the other person barely cared.  While I’ve given up on the dream, those urges are still there and I struggle to this day.

Sure this could be the story of any woman’s life even if they were not on the spectrum but I have found I attach those actions and feelings much stronger than neurotypicals.  If I just made the right choice or worked harder, someone would love me.  I blamed myself for every failure.  The reality didn’t matter because in my head even their bad actions were caused by me.   I wasn’t good enough to deserve love and faithfulness.

This is something I really have been working on.  But those communication barriers still make the dumpster fires happen.  I ask questions to understand, the other person takes it as accusations or blaming.  I give 100% and get frustrated when the other person doesn’t do the same.   I didn’t value you myself unless I was in that committed relationship.

Now I am okay with just being Jill