I had a long conversation this morning about my brain and how it works differently. It was a compliment not a criticism. It really helps balance my team and helps us be successful. In some areas it is amazing, In personal relationships and feelings, it is not.
Math is one area I have always thrived in. The rules stay the same. They are logically and even if you do
something a different way you can get the same result.
I am also very detailed oriented. I have to have a process set up and all the
details worked out in my brain before I can even focus on the big picture. This can be very annoying to some.
Luckily my brain works very fast on figuring out the steps
to things. The problems come in when I there
isn’t a concrete solution or I can’t explain my steps to someone else.
I have spent my whole life this way. And I treated all my relationships this
way. It does not work for most
people. For example, I worked very hard
to be the best mom so there were certain
steps in my brain that made me a good mother.
I kept them in the same school. I
let them do whatever activities or sports they wanted to do. I coached teams. I volunteered. We did fun activities.
Lately as my children have gotten older, they felt like they
didn’t matter. In my logic, every decision
I made from where we lived to where I worked was made off the premise of what
was the best decision for my children.
I did not do a good job of explaining it. I didn’t allow break time so in their minds I
didn’t care about them. It is the farthest
from the truth but their reality.
While dad could take them fishing or fix the breaks when
they wanted, I had to make sure homework was done and they were growing to
adults. That down fun time was limited.
I’ve also realized that many of the times there was no right
decision. Accepting that neurotypical
people can have different ideas of perfect is baffling to me. Having 6 kids I was trying to make happy,
also left me feeling like a failure.
I am still working on it and allowing their feelings to be
valid even when they are not supported by facts.
Memories is another area that drives me crazy. My brain is pretty photo memory. I keep text messages and emails. I document everything to a fault. So I really struggle when someone claims a
memory I know to be false. I’ve had to
teach myself to just let it go. I logically
know memory is a construct and trauma based.
But for me it isn’t. Life is
exactly what happened.
I’m constantly having to adjust and see others point of
views. While not feeling like anyone
else does the same for me.
But I’m trying.
