As an 80s baby, Autism was barely discussed and definitely never was related to girls. It lead to many of my generation getting a late diagnosis. I personally was in my mid 30s before it was even considered that I may be on the autism spectrum let alone diagnosed. Once I got my diagnosis, it was a huge relief however in many ways I am glad I was not diagnosed younger.
I was always the weird kid. My mom used to love to tell about my prep
work for getting ready to attend school.
I was reading sentences at a very young age. Honestly I had to be around 2-3. I was so excited when I found out I was
attending school. My mom always used the
term “Nursery School” instead of Preschool.
So what did her early reading child do? Practice and memorize a majority
of Mother Gooses Nursey Rhymes for the entire summer before school
started. I was going to be ready to say
them all on day one from memory. It was
always laughed about as one of my quirky tendencies.
Before school started, we did the
traditional school clothes shopping. We
were pretty limited on resources. My mom got me a brown dress with buttons and
white flowers on the collar. I’m sure
she meant it for me to use for school picture day and first day of school. But I defined my school dress as my school
dress. I’m pretty sure I wore it 90% of
the days that first year and I had severe anxiety when it was not clean, even
refusing to go. I now know those were
meltdowns.
I was always the kid with my hand
held high in the air on any question the teacher had. I remember in detail the first time I gave a
wrong answer. It set me spinning for
the rest of the day and probably week.
The teacher asked what color light do we cross the street on. I raised my hand high and said “red because
it means stop.” My little brain could
not comprehend that it did not mean stop for all directions. Stop means stop so every car should stop
right?
I’m sure I have a hundred more
examples of how my spectrum brain worked.
I honesty had no clue that anyone else’s brain worked differently.
I grew up in a family that my brain
function was so different than everyone else’s that it really made me struggle.
I learn to mask at a very young age. My
mother and older sister were always the life of the party. They had a million friends and made new ones everywhere
they went. I was lucky if I had 1 or 2
friends. They could spend hours on the
phone. I had high anxiety and still do
if I have to make a phone call. I could
barely understand emotions in person.
You put someone on the phone and I was completely lost.
Emotions are another thing. I hate when individuals on the spectrum are
characterized as being emotionless robots.
I am the farthest from that. I
have emotions, big emotions. Sometimes
it seems like I feel them much harder and internalize them more than other
people. Teasing I hated because I took
whatever those words were very literally.
I’ve learned over the years to dampen it down but to this day things
that hurt and bother me, are not the same as other people. And I hurt other people by stating what in
my mind is just facts while others take it as offensive and rude. I still at times want to scream just say what
you mean.
Now I know masking is now seen as a
negative in some components of the autism community but for me it was a
requirement and how I was able to survive and thrive. It wasn’t something that was forced on me or
even encouraged. It was my way of
navigating this world I did not understand.
I had to figure out on my own how to be ‘normal’. I still fail at it regularly. I sometimes wonder if I would have mastered
the skill of masking so well if I was diagnosed younger. Blending into any crowd has been by gift and
failure.
Being a female, my collecting
traits seemed to be more socially acceptable.
Having 15 dolls was completely normal.
Collecting books and rereading them over and over again was normal. Now when memorizing the star chart and able
to label them all in the sky, was not as ‘normal’. My interests would ebb and flow but whatever
my focus was, it dominated every aspect of my life. During my basketball phase, I lived and
breathed stats for pros and college players.
I always picked the weird one as my favorite.
My grades were amazing. My social skills were horrible. I came home every single day completely wiped
out and emotional about something that should not have been a big deal. I did not understand why I didn’t get invited
places or why someone was mad at me. I
was miserable in a majority of interactions that were not education
related. I was blessed to be able to do
sports. That was something I could understand.
There were clear rules and guidelines to follow. And I was lucky enough to be skilled enough
to exceed in it.
So like I said I was in my mid 30’s
and even in the field of disability services before it was ever mentioned to me
that I might be on the spectrum from an amazing boss. I had been diagnosed with Anxiety Attacks in my
early 20s and PTSD from trauma. But
never was a different processing system even mentioned.
I can do forced eye contact under
most circumstances. I could smile and
pretend just enough to get by. I was
still high achieving in my employment life as well. I had romantic and friend relationships but
none lasted long. I held roles such as
PTO President or Soccer Coach without any issues.
I would have record level
achievements in my work life and then get called in for a reprimand over
something like I didn’t say hi enough in the hallways. I didn’t acknowledge the CEO when he walked
into a room. My tattoo showed when I was
serving food for a room full of 200 people.
I was offered uniforms when no one else wore them because of one issue
or another. In my mind, they met the
dress code so who cared. I was passed
over for promotions for others while doing their job and mine. I had a hard glass ceiling due to my social
skills only. All of which was extremely
frustrating for me.
It was another complaint that I was
rude that left me in tears with a very compassionate manager. I was explaining why I was upset and how I
felt it was so unfair. I just didn’t
know how these people wanted me to talk to them or ask them to do
something. That’s when she mentioned if
I had ever considered I was on the autism spectrum. It was like a light bulb for me.
I had been providing Employment
Services for individuals on the spectrum as well as other disabilities for over
5 years at this point. It never even
dawned on me that why I was amazing at my job is also why I was struggling
professionally. I could teach other all
those stupid masking rules for certain circumstances because I had lived it my
whole life. I just did not see it in
my own actions.
Put me in a room full of
professionals talking about my passion and I thrived. Put me in a hallway or breakroom, I crumbled
and felt defeated.
Getting the diagnosis has helped me
so much. I still don’t always tell
everyone but it helps me realize why the rules are so important to others. It makes me keep candy in my office, so I am
softened to others. It forces me to say
hi or at least let people know in advance that I may not see them and feel free
to interrupt me. I am more accepting of
myself and my flaws.
Now my personal life is a whole
other can of worms we will open in a later podcast.
I’m glad I now know why I’m
different. But I’m also glad I was
forced by default to figure out ways on my own to navigate this crazy
world.
I do wonder at times how my life
would have been different if I was diagnosed younger. It sure would have been nice to realize I was
not an alien but I wouldn’t for a second want to change who I am. My challenges made me a better human.
